← Back to Home

Book 1 — What’s Beef?

Now holla at your boy Muses, and help me tell these lovely people about the beef between Achilles and Agamemnon, and why so many Greek bros had to die over some bullshit.

It all popped off when an old Trojan priest named Chryses came into the Greek camp.

“Y’all took my daughter, Chryseis,” he said, shaking his staff of office. “I brought a bunch of loot to give you as ransom, so in the name of Apollo, give her back.”

“No fucking way old man,” snarled Agamemnon. “Fuck you for asking. Gather your shit and get the fuck out of my face before I have one of my boys decorate the beach with your broke ass.”

So the old priest got the fuck out of there and offered a prayer to Apollo.

“What’s up Apollo,” he said. “Chryses here. Agamemnon didn’t accept my ransom and he was a dick to me. And I’m not saying, I’m just saying, you should be pissed about all this because I’m your priest. Not Zeus, not Ares, I’m a priest of Apollo. So yeah, fuck those dudes.”

Apollo heard Chryses’ prayer, and spread disease among the Greek army.

Soon enough the Greeks were sick as fuck and dropping like flies. After 9 days of that shit, Achilles was ready to throw in the towel.

“I say we bail,” he said, “or maybe we should ask a priest. Wouldn’t be the first time we all got punished because someone fucked up, am I right?”

The priest Calchas cleared his throat.

“I know what’s up,” he said, “but one of y’all ain’t gonna like it. You got my back, bro?”

“Yeah bro,” said Achilles. “I got your back. Say what you gotta say.”

“Apollo is pissed at Agamemnon,” said Calchas. “He was a dick to that old priest and didn’t accept the ransom.”

Agamemnon was on his feet immediately.

“Fuck you, bro,” he roared. “You just hate Agamemnon. You’re always on my ass. ‘Agamemnon do this, Agamemnon do that. Sacrifice your daughter, Agamemnon. Honor the Gods, Agamemnon.’ That’s you. That’s what you sound like. Now you come in here with this garbage, like I’m just going to give up that sweet puss. She’s hotter than my wife, younger too, and it would make me look like a prick. I won’t be the only bro without a side-piece. Fuck that. If one of y’all wants to give me theirs, maybe, but I ain’t the one.”

“Fucking Agamemnon,” said Achilles, his voice dripping with contempt. “Always on some ‘me first,’ boohoo bullshit. I’m out there killing people all goddamn day, and you don’t do shit. You say you’re the best, and we fucking followed you here because we thought you knew what you were doing. The Trojans ain’t done shit to me bro, but here I am anyway, slaughtering them and making you look good. Now you’re on some crazy shit, talkin’ ’bout you’re gonna take my girl? Like you’re gonna take Briseis, with her fine ass?! I’ll fucking leave, bro, believe that.”

“You wanna play?” said Agamemnon. “Go home like a little bitch then. I don’t ask, I give orders. And I’ll take Briseis if I want. Fuck around and find out.”

When he heard that shit, Achilles was about to smoke that fool on the spot, but Athena came down from Olympus to chill him out.

“Be cool, bro,” she said. “Do it as a favor to me and Hera. Talk all the shit you want, just don’t kill Agamemnon.”

“A’ight then,” replied Achilles, struggling to contain himself. “I’m not about to go against some Goddesses. I’ll talk some shit, but I won’t kill him.”

So then he turned on Agamemnon and let ’im have it.

“Have it your motherfuckin’ way,” he said, “if that’s how you want it. But I’m fucking done fighting, bro. Hector’s gonna love that shit, I promise. Soon you’ll be begging me to come back, all up on deez nuts like: ‘Please Achilles, please fight.’ And I’ll be like: ‘No.’”

“Hold up!” cried Nestor. “Everyone just take a fucking breath. Agamemnon, we all know you’re the man, so let it go. And Achilles, watch your fucking tone. Agamemnon has the biggest army, so put your dick away. Let’s all just have a drink and be bros again.”

But Agamemnon shook his head.

“Uh-uh, bro,” he said. “That ain’t gonna work, because this motherfucker thinks he’s better than me, or at least the same, and that’s just as bad. I’m taking his girl and you assholes are gonna let me.”

“Fine by me,” said Achilles. “Take the ho. But you better not touch the rest of my loot, because that shit is mine.”

“Do I get a vote?” asked Briseis suddenly, raising her hand in the back. No one said a word, but she knew the answer as well as they did.

The gathering broke up and they went their separate ways, each to their own area of the camp. Agamemnon took Briseis, and Achilles was fucking livid. He went crying to his mom Thetis, and begged her to make it all better.

“Agamemnon hurt my feelings, Mom,” he cried. “Tell Zeus to help the Trojans, and make the Greeks pay for his bullshit. Zeus still owes you for saving him that one time,¹ so use that.”

“True, Zeus does owe me a favor,” replied Thetis. “He ain’t here right now,² but he’ll be back in like 12 days. Until then, be cool, my son. I got this.”

While Achilles nursed his wounded butt, Odysseus brought Chryseis back to her father.

“Uh, sorry about all the drama,” he muttered. “We brought back your daughter, and a bunch of animals to sacrifice, so…tell Apollo that we’re all good, right?”

The priest Chryses nodded.

“We’re all good,” he said. “Y’all came correct this time, so I’ll tell Apollo to back off.”

The priest passed the word to Apollo and the Greeks got better.

When Zeus got back to Olympus, Thetis was right there begging.

“I need a favor,” she said. “Punish the Greeks and show Agamemnon that he fucked up when he hurt my son’s feelings. Let ’em know you won’t stand for that shit.”

“Damn woman,” snapped the God of Lightning. “Give me a fucking break. Hera’s already pissing me off, stirring up shit behind my back. I mean, yeah, I’ll do it. Feels like I might regret this, but here we go.”

So he bowed his head and it was good as done.

Sure enough Hera came along with all her shit.

“Motherfucker, what are you planning now?” she said. “I saw you talking to Thetis, and I know something’s up. You always try so hard to keep your damn secrets, and for what?”

“Fuck’s sake, woman!” roared Zeus. “First of all, I don’t ‘always’ do shit. I tell you what you need to know, and you’re lucky to get that much. So maybe shut the fuck up, that’s what I’d do.”

So Hera shut the fuck up, because Zeus was right, and she couldn’t do a goddamn thing about it.

Hephaestus came through after Zeus left to show Hera support.

“No stress, Mom,” he said. “You know it doesn’t end well for us when we clap back. Last time I tried to stand up to Pop-dukes, he threw me off the goddamn mountain, and that shit fucked me up good. You gotta let this go.”

Hera nodded and took a deep breath.

“You’re right my son. Let’s everybody get lifted and forget about these fucking mortals.”

So the Gods passed around the nectar and got nice and high. Everyone decompressed, Apollo and the Muses played some music, and Zeus and Hera went back to bed for some sweet immortal coitus.